Feature
Family and community
The Extraordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops convened by Pope Francis on marriage and family during October begins a year of deep reflection for the Church.
This reflection will continue in the lead-up to part two of the Assembly in October 2015.
Advent and the Christmas celebration of the Holy Family bring special attention to the significance of our families and communities.
Wel-Com offers invited contributions with a variety of viewpoints and encounters about what family means in Aotearoa New Zealand today.
Family Synod: a sign of hope
Kitty McKinley
The recent Synod on the family has been a wonderful sign of hope for Catholics, those of other faith traditions and those with no particular tradition at all.
By reaching out in his loving, human way, Pope Francis has attracted people. For those of us who had great biological dads he seems truly to reflect the truth of a holy father.
Francis is encouraging, challenging and enabling the huge, diverse, universal melting pot that is the Catholic Church to be like a real family – a whānau.
Families are complex, multi-dimensional, living organisms, made up of human beings with differing levels of function, dysfunction, ability, giftedness, confusedness, opportunity, hypocrisy and human experience.
Add other family realities such as poverty, stages of human development, mental-health challenges, abuse, culture, sexual orientation, aging and other personal, social, spiritual and physical factors and we discover the context in which this Synod was called.
Pope Francis is challenging us to live the joy of the Gospel.
The implications of these realities are seen and lived out in ourselves, our brother and sister parishioners, those alienated from our Church family, Church workers, ministers and leaders.
And just like members of any family, the bishops attending the Synod have gifts, positions, prejudices and dysfunction that affected them and the way they exercised their roles.
It seems to me Francis did what any good dad or family worker does. He opened the tent flaps, inviting all to enter. He invited everyone in his family to speak up freely and share their God-given humanity and the needs of their people without condemnation, blame or career-threatening retribution.
In past synods and meetings in Rome, and even in our dioceses, our family members have been told some matters were undiscussable.
‘Undiscussables’ in a family are poisonous and debilitating, preventing change and growth.
In family work we call it ‘the elephant in the room’, and it eventually becomes so big people are pushed out or are squashed into the corners, breathless and out of shape.
In every family, change often begins when a significant family member starts to behave differently. The gradual change in roles, and then rules, enables real needs to be identified and then the strengths of the whānau to come alive.
As members of the Catholic whānau our mission is, in the words of Pope Francis, ‘to find concrete solutions to so many difficulties and innumerable challenges families must confront; to give answers to the many discouragements that surround and suffocate families’.
Trusting in the Spirit we need to discern what God is asking of us, begin to take risks and act to sort out our faith communities.
Then we can work to address the serious needs of so many families in our country.
Pope Francis is showing us the way to once again fully embrace the truth of the Gospel.
Advent is a good time for a stock take.
Marriage, family and staying connected
Debbie Jameson
Spending regular quality time together and staying connected as couples is possibly one of the hardest challenges for marriages. Operating on ‘cruise control’ due to work pressures and family commitments is a trap we can all relate to.
During the festive season, expectations of a memorable family Christmas and summer holiday can often add stress to our relationships. As husbands and wives, we share the responsibility to prioritise our marriages by protecting our time together.
The following tips are adapted from www.smartmarriages.com – the coalition for marriage, family and couples education.
- Daily connection rituals: Craft simple, daily-connection rituals that work for you. Go for a walk together; have a coffee together while the kids do the dishes or once they are all in bed. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it helps you connect and is done regularly.
- Seize the moment: Make the most of those spur-of-the-moment opportunities to simply relax together and talk.
- Date nights: Anything from flashy dinners out to sharing a special meal at home. Whatever it is, enjoy regular dates where the romance and conversation can flow. Going to the movies or watching TV together may be fun, but they don’t allow you to communicate and deepen emotional intimacy.
- Invest in the long term: Do something intentional to strengthen your bond: spend a weekend away together, do some form of marriage enrichment, read a relationship book together.
- Schedule it: Making time together is important. Don’t leave it to chance. Be creative, make it a priority and don’t let it get bumped.
New Zealand families today
Judy McCormack
A family is the place we call ‘home’. The family has been called ‘the school of life’. It’s in our family we first experience what it means to be human, and where most of us learn to live in ways that lead to our own wellbeing and to being able to contribute to the good of society. Our family of origin may shape our own family that we start as an adult.
Any parish community is made up of individual families. Families are about people and relationships. Healthy families are reflected in a healthy society and a healthy Church.
Families are lifelong.
In the past 50 years in New Zealand families have gone through many changes. The traditional family of parents and child or children is what many of us think of when we consider family. However, families come in all shapes and sizes. There are biological families, extended families, foster families, adoptive families, blended families as well as created families, which come about through living situations.
Families are a cornerstone of society and Church. They respond most immediately and intimately to the basic needs of human beings – the need for love and belonging, for nurture and shelter, for learning and growing. It’s where we first learn about being loved and about loving.
However, families can be vulnerable and under pressure from outside forces because they don’t exist in a vacuum.
A family can be the safest place to live; but sometimes for a child – or even an adult – a family can be a most dangerous place because they are not protected by or from its members against abuse. Families need our care and protection to help them to be the best families they can be. Families need our practical support as well as timely and appropriate intervention to help them become better able to care for their members. Families need our support while they heal.
In my experience most families do the best job they can in educating their children and in caring for their elderly members.
Being a parent is one of the most rewarding experiences and one of the most challenging roles any of us can have. Being part of a family can be
both rewarding and difficult.
Families need to be honoured, valued and supported by all sectors of church and society.
Families are very important for the Church.
A Christian family most beautifully reflects the dynamic and relational love of the Trinity – Creator, Son and Holy Spirit.
A family is a most radical sacrament of love.
Taneora Tunoho Ryall
Recently, I attended a partners’ meeting of Caritas Australia’s First Australians Programme. While there, I was often asked – as I am here in New Zealand – who is in my family?
I find this a vague question because I have a different understanding of whānau or family from many other people.
To me, a family, or my whānau in particular, is far more than a contained unit of directly-related people encompassing two or three generations.
In Te Reo Māori, whānau means to be born or to give birth, indicating the distinct and special connection we all share with our parents.
This relationship that everyone shares with their parents extends back to the past and far into the future.
Whānau is also not relegated to a direct post or line; instead it is a vast, expanding tree with many branches.
As the many descendants spread out and flourish through successive generations they do their part to support the whole tree, affecting the lives of the many people who are all connected by one particular ancestor that is our collective supporting trunk.
Going back to the initial question: who is in your family? My whānau are all connected through a common ancestor and contribute to who I am today and who I will become in the future.
Whānau includes those who have left a lasting impression on me or those who have yet to make themselves known. The answer I give can vary from the small three-person family of me and my kids, to a group of thousands who all identify as descendants of our common ancestor.
Family, in my eyes, is not something set in stone, but forever changing based on the decisions, experiences and stories shared by all of its members.
Sr Rachel Moreno
My involvement with refugee families began in 1995 when I was living and ministering in Auckland.
I was inspired to care for and support refugees by the experience of my late mother, Helena, a war-battered Polish refugee who together with 732 other children was transported from Persia to Pahiatua, in 1944. Last month, November 2014, marked the 70th anniversary of the Polish refugees’ arrival in New Zealand.
Initially, I worked with refugee families accepted by New Zealand as ‘quota refugees’ referred by the United Nations for resettlement. Quota refugees receive government assistance. However, over the last six years I have worked closely with the Refugee Family Reunification Trust, in Wellington, which does not receive government assistance.
Many refugee families who arrive here have been forced to flee their countries due to war and persecution and some have lost contact with other immediate family. These families find it difficult to begin a new life knowing their loved ones have been left behind in a refugee camp or in a similar appalling circumstance. The Trust purpose is to financially assist refugees in Wellington to apply to bring immediate family members to join them in New Zealand. Reuniting families is key to successful refugee settlement.
The families I have supported and cared for are Christian and Muslim and come from Ethiopia, Eritrea, Somalia, Sudan, Afghanistan, Sri Lanka, and Iraq.
As I work with these families I am reminded of the life of Mary and Martha walking hand in hand, seeing Jesus with the eyes of a praying heart, with Mary at the feet of Jesus and Martha offering friendship, hospitality (Luke 10: 38–42).
I bring a friendly face and a supportive guide to new families, helping them to obtain furniture, applying for housing, setting up home, explaining how things work in New Zealand, enrolling children in schools, taking them to Work and Income and helping with filling lots of forms. These families have very little or no English. I call on them socially to see how things are going and if they need any other necessary help and support. I also help with food parcels, and warm clothing.
Two years ago, the Sisters of Compassion together with Refugee Family Reunification Trust, set up an emergency, transitional house for new refugee families while the families await their own home. So far, four families have benefitted from this arrangement.
The current housing shortage makes life even more difficult for refugees when they first arrive in New Zealand. This housing project is a very visible and tangible sign of support for a refugee family, and a warm welcome as they start a new life here.
The Eucharist is the centre of my life. I am nourished at the table of the Lord and sent out to see and share Jesus with the eyes of a loving heart. To see Jesus in each person I serve by being kind and gentle, offering my hand in friendship, accepting people as they are, accepting of different cultures, listening attentively, showing respect, being available, being observant to people’s needs and ready to help, showing care and concern and being a carrier of God’s love.
I am also challenged to see with the eyes of a compassionate heart. I am called to imitate Mary of Compassion, standing beneath the Cross of her beloved Son, being there, waiting with the one who suffers (John 19: 25–27). I try to show the compassionate face of Jesus, to support people in times of struggle, to offer and give encouragement, comfort and consolation.
I love working with refugee families, and I enjoy being with and walking beside them supporting and caring for them, showing the compassionate face of Jesus.
Matalena Leaupepe
When Geoff’s mum first found out he was dating someone in New Zealand, her only question was, ‘is she Catholic?’ Not, ‘does she have a job or is she Solomon Islander?’
Having a strong faith is part of both of our upbringings. While we’ve had to compromise parts of our different Samoan-Solomon Island cultural and even personal identities to build a relationship and a family, the one unchanged part for both of us is our faith and our belief in God’s unconditional love.
Being part of the Catholic faith is like being part of a global family. No matter where you go in the world, th
e Mass and Catholic practices will always be a common thread that transcends language and cultural boundaries.
Our main focus now as a family is to ensure our three daughters – Athena, Sofia and Tiare – are also nurtured into this faith and given the opportunity to explore this through our Catholic heritage. Putting our children through Catholic schools is one way for us to pass on this gift of faith to them. Having family-friendly parishes open to diversity can help to bring together multi-cultural approaches to the Mass, which can enhance the way we worship.
This also builds confidence in ourselves that our different languages and cultural backgrounds are valued by our faith community.
Elderly in care
Teresa McGlynn
Many elderly have immediate families living far away, making loneliness a real concern. Here at the Home of Compassion in Upper Hutt, some elderly residents who had previously been on their own now have people around and support.
Adjusting to care and living in a community you are not used to can be difficult. No-one wants to give up independence, and sharing with other families and facilities can require some adaptation. But most residents are happy to have company after being alone in their own homes. For some, our community becomes like an extended family. People visiting family members will often link up with residents who are on their own and bring them presents and flowers.
We have Mass every day and Fr Barry O’Connor provides weekly pastoral care. Ministers of different religions pop in and visit their church members.
The community here is a family in itself.
Amanda Calder
Mulugeta’s mother and three sisters finally arrived in Wellington in October this year, after many years in Ethiopia’s Tigray Adi Harish refugee camp.
The family is originally from Eritrea, but have been refugees for several years.
Mulugeta said, ‘It’s a miracle to see my mother and sisters again after 18 years because my family heard I was dead from the war between Eritrea and Ethiopia in 1999. We lost contact and did not find each other again until after I arrived in New Zealand in 2003. When we saw each other after so many years, I felt like I was born again because I remember my childhood time – we can’t explain the joy we now have. We are so happy and excited to be reunited once again as a family. My mother and sisters are looking forward to living without fear, and to continue their education.
‘We couldn’t make this happen without your help and it is greatly appreciated. You took care for our cause as your own. Your help will change my life and the life of my family.’
Numbers of refugees seeking help continue to increase. Since March 2014, the Refugee Family Reunification Trust has approved 22 applications for assistance from refugee families, with just over $100,000 allocated to reunite them. This has included airfares to bring 48 refugees to Wellington from Somalia, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Uganda, Sudan, Iraq, Myanmar, Colombia and Afghanistan. Every contribution to that is a precious gift.
One of the main difficulties facing refugee families on arrival in New Zealand is housing. If you would like to help support refugee family reunification in Wellington contact the Refugee Family Reunification Trust, PO Box 27342, Wellington 6012.
It all begins with family
Sue Devereux
Through Advent, as we prepare ourselves and our children for Christmas, it is a good time to look at how we welcome Jesus in our family life not only at Christmas but all through the year. The family is called the Domestic Church because we recognise that all of life, all of church, all of meaning and understanding begins here. The home is where we welcome the spirit of Jesus in the love of the parents, the smile of a baby, the laughter of toddlers, the wisdom of the five-year-old and the searching of the teenager. Our role as parents is not to ‘bring Jesus into the family’ but to recognise the divine presence already dwelling in our midst.
In families, especially at Christmas, usually over the meal with extended family, we tell the stories of our past, laugh hard at the funny ones and feel deeply the emotional ones. Have you seen how much attention your children pay to this? They simply hang on every word of the stories that tell them who they are now, and what has gone on before them. It is very simple to extend that into our Christian story – how we came to welcome Jesus into the world the first time – and how we continue to welcome Him over and over in our daily lives.
Our Christian story continues in the scriptures chosen for us daily, but especially on Sundays. As parents we can continue the story throughout the year by reading or summarising the Sunday Gospel; not as something disconnected but as a way of reflecting on how we are already living this out in our family.
Think of the stories of the prodigal son, the pearl of great price, the wedding feast of Cana, Zaccheus, the sermon on the mount, (my favourites) and all the others our children can relate to so much. If we take the time to share these stories before we go to Mass on Sunday, how alive the Gospel reading would become for all of us.
And how much more discussion would follow afterwards. And how enriched we would be as a family. Our children have as much to teach us as we have to teach them. Sharing our Christian stories with our children are ways of strengthening our own faith, our children’s faith, and our family life.
Visit www.loyolapress.com/sunday-connection.htm for a selection of Sunday readings and commentary.
Family poverty at Christmas
Lisa Beech
Issues of family poverty were a key part of discussions at the Synod for the Family in Rome.
The final Relatio document speaks of family poverty as ‘a real nightmare’, in which families often ‘feel abandoned by the disinterest and lack of attention’ given to their experiences. Overwhelming financial difficulties and society’s ‘hesitancy to welcome life’ can discourage young people from marrying and raising families. The Synod Bishops called on the state to structure institutions and laws to better support families.
According to the Child Poverty Monitor 2013 Technical Report of the Commissioner for Children and Otago University (see
www.childpoverty.co.nz), 17 per cent of children in New Zealand regularly miss out on things they need. Examples include: a meal with meat, fish, chicken or vegetarian equivalent at least every second day; a good bed; and two pairs of good shoes. Families living below the poverty line also have to cut back on things like visits to the doctor, keeping warm, or repairing broken appliances.
Prime Minister John Key has called for suggestions on overcoming child poverty. Caritas suggests as well as responding to the immediate needs of families in poverty through donations to charitable organisations, each of us could also take the time this Christmas to write to the Prime Minister, or to email or phone our local MP to support the recommendations made last year by the Expert Advisory Group o
f Children’s Commissioner Dr Russell Wills.
‘Christmas can be a time of stress and worry for many parents who long to provide the basics – adequate food, shelter and warmth – for their children,’ Caritas Aotearoa New Zealand Director Julianne Hickey says.
‘For others, Christmas is a time of extra food, of carefully chosen gifts, of time off for family celebrations.
‘It is good those who are able to experience Christmas in this way reach out to share that good fortune with others in need,’ she says.
‘And it is equally important to continue to work as a country to ensure our laws, systems and policies guarantee families have what they need to live in dignity and to flourish.’
Vic Crawford
St Vincent de Paul Society’s mission is to work to promote human dignity and justice through personal contact with those in need. Vincentians strive to seek those who are in need as well as the forgotten, the victims of exclusion or of adversity. The Society supports families and individuals to give ‘a hand up not a hand out’. The scope of service is broad and no act of charity is foreign.
Services include companionship, driving people to appointments, taking people shopping, giving food and household assistance to families including refugees, and helping the elderly and frail to remain in their own homes.
Through its welfare centre, the Wellington Area Council provides social work including long- and short-term support, budgeting, a food bank, and free bedding and clothing for babies aged up to six months. And its social worker reaches out to engage with people living on the streets.
Vincentians give Christmas hampers to people in need in their local parish or conference areas, such as families or individuals they have been working with during the year, or those who otherwise would go without treats at Christmas. At the welfare centre donated gifts are distributed along with the other support.
The message of Christmas is love – the love of Christ and for our fellow men and women. Some families come under all sorts of pressures at Christmas such as lay-offs from jobs, children or grandchildren coming to stay, or reduced work hours.
It is a time when good-hearted people think about those less fortunate than themselves, and give a little more to ease the burden of those who may worry about where their next meal is coming from, or how to pay bills. The generosity of Wellington people, evidenced by the mountain of food donated at a recent weekend food drive, goes a long way to help St Vincent’s bring some peace and security to people in need.
May peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing throughout the year.
The Extraordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops convened by Pope Francis on marriage and family during October begins a year of deep reflection for the Church.
This reflection will continue in the lead-up to part two of the Assembly in October 2015.
Advent and the Christmas celebration of the Holy Family bring special attention to the significance of our families and communities.
In this issue of Wel-Com we feature invited contributions with a variety of viewpoints and encounters about what family means in Aotearoa New Zealand today.